The moment you became a mom, you didn’t know it, but you forfeited the rights to many of your daily privacies, privileges, and necessities. You weren’t sure how, but your children change your life forever. They swoop in and rob you of any chance to ever have a life like the one you left behind.
No more finding our stuff in the same place we left it. Long gone are the days when cereal in front of the late-night show is an acceptable dinner. And, your days of sitting in a quiet restaurant will be few and far between.
Although your kids might be your greatest joy and your most beautiful crown, those arrows in your quiver require certain waivers of your personal rights. Therefore, upon accepting the role of motherhood you become irrevocably bound to an agreement whose fine print includes the waiver of many rights and privileges.
Your contract inures to the benefit of you and your spouse and shall not terminate. Your rights shall be completely and absolutely revoked and shall in no event ever be restored.
The terms of your contract are as follows:
Mother knows and accepts by her choice to procreate, adopt, or act as a mother that she forever waives the following rights:
Mother forfeits the right to go to the bathroom alone.
Mother shall never, ever be able to close a bathroom door without the immediate crying, knocking, or fighting at the door. In the unlikely event that no child chooses that exact moment to ask for a drink, she shall have to see at least 1 hand find its way under the door followed by the question: “What are you doing, mommy.”
One of the biggest changes in my life after having children was the loss of the right to close a bathroom door. Seriously, my bathroom door is like a dog whistle for my children. I can ask them over and over and over again to pick up their socks or put away their dishes, and they can’t hear me. But, close the bathroom door, and they all come running!
Mother forfeits the right to sleep.
Mother hereby affirms and agrees that she shall NEVER sleep again. For at least the first 12 months of any child’s life, she shall be required to get up at least one time during the night. Then, for all years subsequent, she is required to be wakened on weekends long before the sun.
Upon her children becoming an adult, she shall spend all hours of any given night worrying or wondering what her child is doing.
If the newborn phase isn’t bad enough, enter the years where my children wake at the crack of dawn to ask me any number of questions. Usually they want to know if they can have a drink or turn on cartoons!
Then, the cruel reality of motherhood is that even when they aren’t at home I still lose sleep. I then spend a great deal of the night worrying about whether they are warm, safe, or sleeping alright!
Mother forfeits the right to spend money as she chooses.
By her acceptance of parenting responsibilities, mother forfeits all rights and interests in her own finances. Mother shall be required to purchase diapers, wipes, safety gear, car seats and vehicles that accommodate them. She shall also purchase overpriced kids’ meals, shoes, socks that never have a match, childcare, tuition, and college.
Further, mother agrees that any and all accidents, injuries, and casualties caused by child shall be paid by mother. This includes neighbor’s furniture, windows, yard, or other personal property.
Keeping my kids alive doesn’t cost me that much money. But, the accessories will kill your budget. Just check out the prices on the safest car seats, the coziest minivans, or the best preschools. Those are the costs that will eat into your retirement or date nights. So, if your children are changing your life, they might as well change your finances too.
Mother forfeits the right to eat what she wants when she wants.
Upon accepting the role of motherhood, mother forfeits all rights to eat when and what she wants. If fingers are not placed directly in her food, she shall give substantial portions of the food on her plate to her offspring. Such obligation shall persist regardless of the amount or type of food on the child’s plate.
Further, mother shall be required to feed children every single day, including breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks regardless of whether it is eaten, thrown, or spit into the trash. Mother shall no longer have the benefit of choosing to sit down in a restaurant until said child or children have reached the age of majority.
It doesn’t seem to matter what, when, or how much food I give to my children. They always expect more. I go to bed knowing that I will have to figure out at least 3 meals and an ungodly amount of snacks for the next day too. And the day after that. Everyday for the rest of my life…or at least until they can cook for and feed themselves.
Sometimes I dream about the day when I won’t have to cut up 3 plates of food before I finally can return to my own. By the time I cut theirs, my food is cold or my first child has already finished and needs me to cut more!
The right to wear clean clothes
Mother shall never have the right, duty, or obligation to wear clean clothes. Mother accepts that sweatshirts, joggers, leggings, slip on shoes, and stretchy t-shirts are now acceptable attire. Clothing is acceptable regardless of whether child has spit up, barfed, or transmitted other bodily fluids onto the clothing.
In the event that mother dares to attire herself in professional or formal wear, then she acknowledges and understands that she may be required to also adorn herself with the said bodily fluids in unknown and previously undiscovered locations. However, at a minimum there shall always be slobber on the shoulder or thigh.
Every single one of my suits has a strange stain on the shoulder where my kids immediately wipe their mouths. No amount of avoidance or cleaning seems to spare my clothing. And, it is not unusual to find bits of food on my pants when I get to the office. My children like to give my leg a hug while eating their breakfast.
Though these terms may seem onerous upon first glance. You will soon learn that your children will change your life forever for the better. These forfeitures are a small price to pay for some of the greatest loves in your life.
One day I will miss the reminders of their love –a race car in my bag, a princess sticker on my sweater. But, until then, I will be apologizing to the judge as I try to empty the toys from my files! However, I will smile knowing that I have enjoyed such a blessing.
We all know that children are the most wonderful gift that we could ever receive. However, they come with some gross practices and a few needs that are downright disgusting. Although you accepted the contract and all of its terms, your life will forever be richer as a result.