THE BEST MARRIAGE ADVICE I GOT AS A NEW MOTHER
One day I was complaining to a friend about how my husband, even after having 3 children, did not understand me. In her wise way, she gave me the best piece of advice that I could have received as a new mother and a wife: “Men Can’t Understand.”
You see, during my pregnancies I spent countless hours trying to guilt my husband into understanding me. While I was a nursing mother, I felt like I was constantly reminding him that we couldn’t leave the baby for more than a few hours. And, after labor and delivery, I spent more words than necessary trying to achieve the correct amount of empathy from my husband.
After banging my head against the wall trying to explain to my husband why after 3 children that he should understand all of my pregnancy/delivery/nursing related impediments, I received the most freeing advice I ever received while pregnant.
“Men can’t understand.”
Husbands, men, fathers can’t understand the experience of pregnancy, nursing, or post-partum hormones.
Don’t misunderstand me.
It’s NOT:
- they won’t understand or
- they don’t try to understand, or
- they don’t care.
A good husband, man, father does want to understand, does try to understand, and does care. However, men do not have the biological ability to ever fully understand.
Men lack the biological ability to understand pregnancy, nursing, or delivery.
At first the depth of the statement didn’t sink in. But, after pausing and reflecting, I understood the import of the advice.
MEN CAN NEVER “UNDERSTAND”
No matter how much time I spend explaining why I can’t stand for more than a few minutes while pregnant. Regardless of how many times I describe what let-down feels like. And, irrespective of the number of visits we have with the doctor at the hospital, he will NEVER be in my shoes. He can’t be.
NO matter how much he may try to support me, he will never carry a pump day in and day out to work. My concerns about leaking, sleeping on my stomach, or finding a nursing room, will never be something that has to cross his mind.
I, like you, am amused by the videos where men experience the artificially contrived pain of contractions and child birth. Further, I am amused by the contraptions that men can wear on their chest to simulate nursing. However, that is all it is—artificial pain and contraptions. They do nothing to the man’s hormones, do not change his human chemistry, and men will never earn their tiger stripes.
AND THAT’S OK
Instead, it is only the mother who can understand the pain and roller coaster of emotions that come after delivery or miscarriage. Only the mother can fully understand what it means to stare down the barrel of a 24-hour labor. Solely women know what it is like to have the pressure of being a child’s sole source of nutrition (lactation). And, women have a unique relationship wtih infertility.
Additionally, only women have the distinct honor of bringing life into the world. Only mothers have the unique privilege of meeting every need of her child. And, solely mothers have the chemical and biological flexibility to conceive, carry, develop, and eject a human being. This is truly a unique gift!
Women are amazing!
Women are amazing, but before we get too cocky, I am challenging you to let men be men a little bit more. It is up to women to stop trying to gain men’s understanding and realize that he will never understand. Set yourself and your husband free from the guilt. Your man lacks the biological capacity to fully understand or completely empathize.
I do not propose that we let men off the hook from being strong, supportive, and empathetic caretakers of their pregnant wives or post-partum women. But, instead, women need to stop shaming men for failing to truly understand the plight of the pregnant and nursing woman.
BE A MOTHER WHO LET’S HIM BE A FATHER!
After understanding more fully my unique privilege, I was prouder than ever when I looked at my beautiful children! Only I have the chemical and biological makeup to carry, deliver, and nourish my child!
Simultaneously, it forced me to stop nagging my husband to understand me. Finally, I was able to let him start taking care of me like a man rather than forcing him to understand my struggle like a woman.
Need some more grace in your mom-life? Read here.
