PRACTICAL WAYS TO CONNECT TO YOUR QUIET CHILD
Do you have a child who plays independently, obeys when you make requests, and waits patiently as you cater to the dramatic needs of your other diva children? Are you looking for ways to make sure that you show love and care for your child who is quiet or easily ignored?
THE OVERSHADOWED CHILD
As a mom of three, I know that my squeaky wheels –my children who voice their needs the loudest– are the children that seem to dominate my time and attention.
As I hobble along with a toddler biting my ankles and a drama queen complaining that she is tired, hungry, annoyed, or just alive, I arrive at my destination wondering whether my third child is even nearby.
Sure enough, he arrived to the car/house/store/destination quickly and quietly often carrying an item that I was sure I forgot. I rarely have to ask him to keep up, to help, or even to sit quietly.
PARENTING THE CHILD WHO IS EASY TO OVERLOOK
It is in those moments when I look up and notice my quiet child that I realize that I overlooked him. In those terrible instances, I realize that my quiet and obedient child can be so easily overlooked.
As a former teacher, I can even remember those students who were easy to ignore. They never made waves in the classroom, never made themselves stand out, and they never made any trouble.
My quiet child’s teacher has even admitted that she forgets that he is there.
He is compliant with all of the teacher’s requests. He never complains when he is seatmates with that kid, and he politely cedes his opportunity to play with the favorite toy.
Rarely arguing or complaining, he is a peace-maker –a justice lover –a rule-follower.
Probably an Enneagram 9, he makes peace for himself and for others. Thus, he is often left out of pictures, sticks to the middle of the pack of kids, and is willing to participate in any activity that others are doing regardless of what he actually wants to play.
MOM GUILT AND THE OVERLOOKED CHILD
When I have those moments of realizing that I have taken advantage of his good nature yet again, the mom guilt washes over me. Wracked with guilt and envisioning years of therapy in his future, I vow to take the time to focus on my easily-ignored, angel child. Sadly, even those moments are often overshadowed by the needs of the baby or other screams of dissatisfaction.
But, I know that my overlooked child needs my attention too. Even if he doesn’t scream it directly in my face or shriek it from the top of his lungs, he needs extra attention too.
And, because he is so easily overlooked because he rarely presents any demands or pressing needs, in our home, we have developed some ways to make sure to show love and attention to our quiet child.
PRACTICAL WAYS TO CONNECT TO YOUR EASILY OVERLOOKED CHILD TO MAKE HIM FEEL SEEN
1. AFFIRM YOUR QUIET OR EASILY OVERLOOKED CHILD WITH WORDS, ACTIONS, AND AFFECTIONS
A child who is eager to please is often eager for affirmation. If he is the first to want to help, then he is also the first to want recognition of his efforts and good decisions.
Give your easy, quiet, or overlooked child lots of praise. Tell him that you are proud of him. Tell others that you are proud of him. And, be sure that you give him thanks and praise for his efforts, patience, and help.
Let him know that if the family had fun/arrived safely/finished a task that it was in part due to his efforts, talents, and gifts.
Beyond words, recognize him with your actions. Reward him with gifts, treats, or experiences that are accrued due to his positive actions.
Or, if your child craves and enjoys physical affection, make sure to dote on him with extra hugs, kisses, or even just a shoulder squeeze.
Your quiet and compliant child wants to know that he is seen, heard, and appreciated. Little gestures can go a long way to make sure that your quiet child knows that you value him.
2. INVEST IN ONE-ON-ONE TIME WITH YOUR EASILY OVERLOOKED CHILD
Getting away from our children can be a rare break and a special treat. But, have you considered that your quiet child might be looking for an opportunity to spend time just with you?
Time when she isn’t competing with the needs of her siblings? Time when she doesn’t cede her preferences to her diva siblings?
Do you know her favorite game? Have you played with her special new toy? Did you even consider that she didn’t want to watch that movie?
Set aside a special time to connect with her and prove that you see her, value her, and care about her. Show her that you heard the stories that she told, that you enjoy spending time doing what she wants, and that you appreciate her attitude.
Listen to the 110th story about Minecraft. Go to a baseball game, or try one of these 101 memorable activities for families.
3. GIVE SPECIAL RESPONSIBILITIES THAT COME WITH SPECIAL ADVANTAGES TO YOUR COMPLIANT CHILD
It might seem strange that one of the suggestions is to actually require more of your easily-overlooked child. Does it seem counterintuitive to demand more patience or hard work?
Well, part of the reason that my easily-overlooked child is so compliant is that he truly enjoys helping.
My easy-to-ignore child is so much more responsible than his siblings. Therefore, I can trust him with many more responsibilities: feeding the animals, bringing in the trash, and even cleaning his room without supervision.
Not only is he an example to his other siblings, he also earns far more rewards.
Make your quiet child feel seen by offering special rewards.
Is your child motivated by money? Experiences? Privileges? Screen time?
When my child does chores that are above and beyond his usual chore responsibilities, he earns bonus cash.
He voluntarily cleared the yard of sticks. Without being asked, he helped the baby get dressed. And, even before I asked, he cleaned his room. All of these things earned hi bonus points and some bonus cash.
To read more about teaching your children about money, click here.
If my child is especially patient when all the other children are melting down, he might earn late-night gaming with daddy (See #2 above!). And, if my child gets his chores done long before his other siblings, then he might spend the extra time watching a movie, having a special treat, or even playing on the iPad.
On other occasions, we have allowed him to choose our dinner entrée, where to stop for a snack, or even what park to visit.
This has the added bonus of teaching the other children to complete their responsibilities so that they can have the special advantages.
Maybe next time the others will finish their jobs so that they can all relax for a few minutes in front of the tv or choose a special treat!
PARENTING THE EASILY OVERLOOKED CHILD
Parenting a quiet and easily overlooked child can make your life and parenting job so much easier. They are easy to please, compliant, and rarely make trouble. If you aren’t careful, you might find yourself believing that your child’s obedient streak is a result of your parenting!
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However, their needs are so often overshadowed by the louder or more demanding siblings or fellow children around them. Making them feel seen and special requires intentional decision-making and planning.
Do you have a child who is easily ignored? A major help but easy to overlook? Does she constantly end up compromising what she wants to do because she doesn’t throw a royal fit?
Do you find yourself wracked with the guilt of accommodating your diva children while ignoring your compliant child?
Use these little tasks and tips to reconnect with your easily-ignored child. Reconnect and show your appreciation to your quiet child by practicing affirmations, rewards, and even one-on-one time.
