How one mother’s loss has made her a crusader to save your child. Support for mothers of addiction.
(*This is part 2 in a three-part series about the different ways that addiction affects mothers. The first about a recovered mother. If you want to read her story, click here. Further, although I have nothing to sell in this post, I am obligated to disclose to you that this post does have affiliate links from which I may receive a commission if you make a purchase.)
If you don’t already know this, I am someone whose life has been profoundly touched by addiction and mental illness. If you are interested, read about it here.
SUPPORT FOR MOTHERS OF ADDICTION
As I shared about addiction and how it changed my life, what I learned is that others are willing to also share their stories. Yes, they share because it is a personal therapy, and they want to honor a memory, but they also share in order to help raise awareness and destigmatize the illness.
If we destigmatize the illness, maybe we can encourage others to seek and find the support and the help that they need.
Further, others share as a way to make sure that it never happens again. Many share as a way to ensure that their children did not suffer alone or die in vain. Or, in the alternative, to be certain that your child does not suffer or die in vain.
Although my first story in this series was a story of hope, redemption, recovery, and rehabilitation, many others walk the same path but lose the battle.
NOT IN VAIN
Stories that end in terrible loss but that are shared in an effort to prevent it from ever happening again, are what you will find in the beautiful collection of personal stories found in the book Not in Vain.
Not In Vain is a compilation of stories and memories amassed by grieving mothers of children who lost the battle with addiction and mental illness. They refuse to let the memory of their children die, but more importantly, they refuse to stay silent knowing that their story might be the light bulb for another mother to save her child.
SUPPORT FOR MOTHERS WHO HAVE LOST CHILDREN IN ADDICTION
Armed with the knowledge that they have now, these grieving mothers have set out to be a support group for other women who have lost children. Additionally, they form a support group for women who may not know how to help their children in the throes of addiction.
Although each of the mothers who share in the book Not In Vain, are linked by a common thread of child loss, each story is unique. Some are mothers who lost their child after years of battling deep afflictions or battling long-term mental illnesses. Others are stories about mothers who despite supporting their children through repeated rehabilitations, never found healing. And, still others, are tragic descriptions from mothers whose child was a one-time, fatal experimenter.
At any rate, the mothers are all women who loved their children very dearly and want to raise up the women around them in a way that many others can’t understand.
(If you are a mother who has a child struggling with addiction, I urge you to reach out to the #NotInVain group here.)
JILL’S STORY
Before you dismiss the entirety of this article as immaterial to your life, let me paint you a picture of my friend, Jill who has courageously shared her story in Not In Vain.
This book is a beautiful compilation of mother’s who share the same thread of grief.
From Jill’s point of view, her family was much like many others. Mom + Dad + 2 Kids. Divorce. Amiable parenting arrangement. Healthy growing boys!
Both boys are gregarious, likable, and responsible. However, their personalities are quite different. Shortly after beginning high school, Jill’s youngest son, Anthony, starts football and soon thereafter breaks his ankle.
His doctor prescribes some pain medicine. Mere weeks later, Anthony has a broken wrist and a bone graft. His doctor prescribes pain medicine.
Follow that with 3 years of ongoing health complications linked with ulcerative colitis and wisdom teeth removal: more pain medication.
For 4 years he meanders along with the help of pain medicine that makes him feel more normal, more outgoing, and more confident. Teenage years are hard enough. Teenagers look for methods to cope everywhere: sports, bullying, fashion, church, drugs. Sadly, for Anthony, the opiates were just too accessible. Far too tempting and available. Too justifiable and too explainable.
Anthony already had a family history of illness and addiction. The accessibility and justification of the pain medicine was so simple, and his DNA gave him a predisposition to dependency.
Bad led to worse, and despite his successful appearance, he spiraled down a path of dependency and abuse. You see, Anthony had a good job, a good work-ethic, co-workers who liked him, and a boss who promoted him.
ANTHONY’S ACKNOWLEDGMENT
Anthony’s family adored him. He had a degree, a home, and a dog. To many, he looked just like any other young man just beginning to find his way as an adult. All this until finally the addiction took control of him. But he could not bring himself to face it.
After prolonged struggles, finally, Anthony admitted his illness to his mother, acknowledged the destruction to himself and his family, and took the vital step of seeking help. Finally, he admitted himself to an intensive, inpatient rehabilitation clinic. With the help of his family, he graduated the program and transitioned to a supportive living environment.
After 70 days of clean, sober living, he couldn’t take it anymore. The illness overtook him, and he took one last fatal dose. Despite efforts to revive him, his illness robbed him from his family, and the sickness defeated his earthly body.
PROFOUND LOSS AND OPPORTUNITY
Jill, Anthony’s mother, has never felt so devastated and lives with the searing pain everyday.
But, she doesn’t invite you into her story as a way to carry you along in her misery. Instead, she shoulders the responsibility of acknowledging the sickness.
Jill knows that Anthony feared admitting his illness and would want others to be able to seek help for their illness without shame. Anthony would have wanted others to be able to find support instead of feeling shame to bring their illness out into the light.
How this mother supports other grieving mothers and is paving the way for more children to get help.
Jill has since seized her moment to not only support other mothers but acknowledge Anthony’s pain, addiction, and shame in a way that helps to destigmatize the illness. Driven by her grief and resolve, despite her daily pain, Jill honors her son’s memory by working diligently to speak out about destigmatizing illness associated with dependency.
She believes that by acknowledging the illness rather than covering it with shame, we can open doors for people to seek the help they need. If her son would have felt comfortable reaching out for help sooner, then things might have turned out differently. If she had been able to reach out to other moms in her position, she might have had different tools.
Jill wants to be that mom. Now, she has become a lighthouse for other women to share their stories. With more than 5,000 other grieving mothers in the #notinvain group, she offers personal support and true change.
#NOTINVAIN SUPPORT FOR GRIEVING MOTHERS
Through their annual retreats; the book, Not In Vain; and their work in advocacy, Jill is part of an extensive network of other parents. Their network seeks to ensure that their children will change the future so that no other parent will have to experience such tragic loss.
If asked what she wished she would have known before the loss of her son, she would say that she would want to be able to bring the issue to light –to be able to publicly seek help and support. She would want others to see the dependency as the illness it is rather than the terrible stigma that it carries. She would want her son to not have to feel shame but instead to be seen as a sufferer.
IMPORTANCE OF #NOTINVAIN
Jill wants to share her story so that others can share a different story. Moms are hard enough on each other. She wants moms instead to rally around each other and fight for a cause that can save so many.
Now, in the midst of the global pandemic, substance use disorder and fatalities are on the rise, and her cause has become that much more relevant. Each day more than 200 mothers get the call about the loss of her child from this illness.
If you are a mother who has lost a child, reach out to the group. If you are a mother who fears loss of the child, reach out for help. Let’s bring the illness, the sickness, to light so that children can seek help.
WHY THIS MATTERS TO ME
Addiction is not my story, but my family will be irretrievably broken because of it. Addiction is not my personal struggle, but addiction in my family left indelible scars and hurts. I may never have struggled with addiction, but the illness has left me forever changed. Mothers who have lost children to addiction are forever changed.
Unlike so many horrible stories, my personal story has a happy ending. My family got to experience recovery. It was long and hard and rocky, but my family member is now 8 years sober, thriving, and healthy.
Without an open avenue to rehabilitation, I am not certain that my story would have had a happy ending. Absent the caring staff and doctors who cared for my family member, I believe that my family would have been at least one person smaller.
For this reason, I understand that the effects of addiction are not merely limited to the person suffering from the illness but instead are broad, deep, and scarring on all of the family and friends too. Acknowledging the addiction, providing available support, and destigmatizing asking for help may make a world of difference to those slogging through addiction. I want others to be able to seek and find help too.
