Weird things moms say to their kids.
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I never imagined the limitless combination of words that a parent uses with children. As a mother I imagined, playtime, snuggles, milestones, and even sickness. But, I never imagined the outrageous and downright weird things that moms have to say to their children.
Nor did I ever imagine the vast quantity of outlandish things my kids would do or say that would require a reaction from me. Below are just 21 of the weird things that I documented in the last MONTH! By no means is this a comprehensive list of all the weird things I have said as a mom throughout my brief parenthood, and I have no illusions that this is the end of it.
I hope that you derive a great amount of entertainment from this list. I know I feel so validated when I hear a fellow mom tell her children not to do weird things. So, what I really hope, in addition to the humor, is that this list will make you feel a little less isolated in your parenting adventures!
21 weird things I said this month:
1. Stop Biting the Dog
As though getting a mouthful of fur isn’t enough, I actually have to tell my child not to put his open mouth on the dog.
2. Don’t run your sister over with the tractor.
For some reason my youngest sees these opportunities. As the smallest, he knows that his only opportunity for retribution is when he has the upper hand. Sometimes it is when his older sister is laying on the floor while he is driving our motorized tractor. Use of motorized vehicles as weaponry requires parental interference.
3. Don’t lick the treadmill/the floor/the mirror/ my leg/my face…
WHY? All the time with the licking. My kids won’t eat a vegetable to save their lives, but they will lick any surface
4. Stop eating chalk.
Chalk doesn’t taste good. I have had enough chalk clapped in my face to know it doesn’t even smell good. But, for some reason, I have several sticks of half-eaten chalk by our chalkboard. Kids are disgusting. That reminds me…order more chalk…!
5. Put your penis away.
Maybe I should leave this one for the dads. Why do I have to constantly repeat this with my boys? My boys find it fascinating and have no need to keep it concealed. This is not only a weird thing for me to say as a mom but also as a woman. I just don’t understand.
6. It’s bread; you like bread.
Are you constantly explaining regular and ordinary foods to your children? No? Just me? I have to explain to my children that the small items on their plates at mealtime are not only edible but are familiar and approved by them.
7. Thank you for putting on clothes.
In our house we have resorted to a reward chart for getting dressed. I don’t know how many times I have to repeat, “put your underwear on” in any given day. Regardless of the weather, my children would choose naked over clothing. Wearing clothing necessitates a thank you.
8. Don’t hit your brother with eggplant.
Hitting of course is a problem with small children. But, the creativity shown in weapon choice is often astounding. A sword, a doll, vegetables?
9. Get your hands out of your pants.
Never know what surprise you might find in there. Last week my dad got a stinky surprise!
10. Are you a doggy or a kitty?
Yes, I know that my children are human. But, I have one child who from time to time will refuse to respond to us unless we address him as a doggy or a kitty. Then, we receive meows or barks to answer our questions. It’s not very communicative, and it all becomes even more confusing when the doggy/kitty morphs frequently over a matter of just a few minutes.
11. Get your hand out of my water.
In my cup. Kids are weird. Why in the world would you put your hands into your mother’s drinking glass while she is drinking it. Why is that ok to you?
12. What did you just put down my shirt?
Not only do moms have to say weird things, moms have to deal with the loss of A LOT of personal space. My kids think nothing of barging into the bathroom or of my privacy. For some reason, inside the clothing that I am currently wearing is just a convenient hiding spot for whatever game they are playing.
13. Please don’t wear your underwear on your head.
Sometimes it feels like we are making so much progress on the putting-on-clothing front. But, then, we turn around and find that our children have decided to try a new and unique clothing method that includes socks on the hands and underwear on the head.
14. Put your tongue away.
Because sometimes they just need a reminder to keep their tongue inside of their heads.
15. Stop eating out of the trash.
Gross. Again, they won’t eat off of their plates, but what is this strange goo on top of the trash can? Let’s try that. Disgusting.
16. I had to hang up because you were being weird.
Why did I have to end the phone call with my boss? Why did I have to turn off the Facetime feature? Why did I have to end the call? Because my kids were doing something weird. Things that I never imagined they could come up with. It’s impressive really. Goofy faces, strange sounds, biting the dog…licking something…do you see a pattern?
17. Why are your pants down?
One of our kids prefers to keep his pants around his ankles when he is relaxing. Seriously, why does he prefer to watch a movie standing in front of the tv with his pants around his ankles in just a diaper? Kids are weird.
18. Lift the seat before you go.
You can just imagine why I have to say this OUTLOUD when one of my children goes into the bathroom. I can’t believe that I have reached a point where I have to remind my children that the toilet has a lid and that the lid has to be open before they can properly use said toilet. Why do moms have to say weird stuff like this?
19. Don’t bite my feet.
Just sitting, minding my own business, when…Chomp. Foot biting. With their mouths. Like I said; a lot of lost personal space!
20. Why are you licking my elbow?
Again, sitting minding my own business, working on my computer when I feel something warm and wet on my elbow. Nope; not the dog. My children…licking me.
21. How did you not realize that your butt isn’t covered?
And, finally, when I look over and see that my son’s butt is completely uncovered, I ask him why. He replies that he didn’t even realize. How do you not notice that your butt is hanging out of your pants?
MOMS HAVE TO SAY WEIRD THINGS
When it comes to kids, you really have no idea what they are going to do or come up with next. Their strange habits require some equally strange responses. But that means that we are having lots of fun!
What are some of the weird things that you have had to say this month? I can’t be the only one.
Are you looking for a little more humor in your life? Check out this post about motherhood, or this one about coffee.
The Other Mrs Fields says
This is by far the most hilarious post. The butt and penis boy stuff is definitely something I can relate to having three. Phew!!
These are so funny and so true. I used to teach Kindergarten and would say some pretty funny things there too! Kids are the best!
Omg. I know it. I have to say “put away your penis” 6+ times a day. Kids are weird.